


Breaking Boundaries

by starhoneyy



Series: To Live Fully Or To Have Never Lived At All [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Romance, Denial of Feelings, Falling In Love, Forbidden Love, Getting Together, Guilt, Jaehyun is 21, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun is Whipped, Kissing, Lee Taeyong is Bad at Feelings, Lee Taeyong-centric, Love Confessions, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Slice of Life, Taeyong is 35, Temptation, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, godfather/godson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:27:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28250136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starhoneyy/pseuds/starhoneyy
Summary: Taeyong thinks it’s sinful what he feels for Jaehyun, Ten's little brother. But in the four years they've been apart, Jaehyun's grown up, he's grown into the shoes he was supposed to wear — he's grown into aman,and Jaehyun would stop at nothing to make sure Taeyong was reminded of that.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong
Series: To Live Fully Or To Have Never Lived At All [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2073870
Comments: 31
Kudos: 212





	Breaking Boundaries

**Author's Note:**

> there aren’t many fics centered around age gaps and how some people view them as _taboo_ , so since I couldn’t find one... well.
> 
> and thank you to em for helping me get my shit together and decide about the technicalities! 
> 
> Also, this happens over the span of like... the three summer months. But anyway.
> 
> enjoy!

Taeyong hummed quietly to himself as he drove. He knew this route like the back of his hand, and he could drive it backwards or even with his eyes closed if health hazards or general safety would allow. Ten's place wasn't far from his, they'd moved in close to each other on purpose, promising to always keep each other near no matter what. So he'd gotten in his car and drove over as soon as Ten said he had something important to tell him despite him having piles of paperwork to finish.

Taeyong continued his quiet as he reversed and then all the way into Ten's front lawn. It was awfully domestic and a far cry from how they used to be when they shared dorms and an apartment in college — no, Ten lived in one of those houses now that looked like it was cut out of a family home magazine with its angel white picket fence. He even had the family to complete it — him and Johnny, and now a baby on the way when their adoption process would be finalised in a year or two.

Ten had everything he didn't. But Taeyong wasn't jealous. He was happy for him because Ten, out of everybody he knew, wholeheartedly deserved it.

Taeyong rapped on the door three times, and as if on cue, Ten flung the door wide open on the third knock. As Ten pulled him into an aggressive bear hug and swayed from side to side, Taeyong could tell that whatever he had to tell him was about to be good news. And it was relieving; allowing himself to relax into Ten's vice grip and return the hug with not-as-tight-but-enthusiastic-nonetheless vigour. It'd been days since they had last spoken.

"Why'd you call? Did your adoption papers get approved so soon?" Taeyong asked, voice light but coated in unashamed curiosity.

Ten pulled away with a frown, but the smile on his face didn't exactly drop either. He moved to fix Taeyong's hair as he spoke, and the action felt more mother-like than anything he had experienced in years. "No, it's only been about two months, you know it wouldn't be so soon. I'd be worried if they were really just giving out babies to strangers that quickly anyways," Ten huffed. "But that's not what—"

"Taeyong!" Johnny stepped out from their kitchen and into the hallway. Taeyong smiled and waved back at him, raising an amused brow at how Johnny was drinking midday. Johnny seemed to notice the look in his eyes and grinned. "It's a celebratory occasion."

Taeyong’s mind went through a reel of possibilities, but he didn't have to think for long, though. He didn't have to think at all. The answer had physically manifested and presented itself in the middle of Ten's hallway.

Taeyong's breath hitched and his eyes went wide when he saw him. Brown, polished loafers, form fitting jeans, dark hair and dark eyes, but those dimples, those brilliant dimples. He couldn't believe his eyes. The pounding of his heart in his ears was so loud that he was sure that it was reverberating past the doorstep and in through the whole house as he took in the sight of Ten's stepbrother and his godson, Jaehyun.

"J-Jaehyun?" Taeyong managed after what felt like years of staring but was in fact milliseconds that his brain had somehow managed to exaggerate.

Jaehyun had a beer in hand, and Taeyong almost — _almost_ — found himself scolding him for drinking when he was underage. But Jaehyun wasn't a little boy anymore — whoever this was was older, taller, bigger, _prouder._ That was the thing Taeyong noticed; that he looked proud, almost bordering arrogant confidence rolling off his in uncontrolled tidal waves. He didn't hunch over anymore, he didn't shift awkwardly from foot to foot now when Taeyong looked at him directly in the eye, and his arms were no longer noodly spindle fibres that Ten often liked to make fun of — no they filled out his shirt, almost straining against the fabric.

It left Taeyong _speechless._

"Taeyong." Jaehyun grinned, and the craters adorning his cheeks were on display for the world to see. "Long time no see."

"It's uncle Taeyong or hyung to you." Ten rolled his eyes and ushered a silent Taeyong inside, guiding him in with the back of his hand. Taeyong felt as if he was a fish out of water, mouth dry and throat asphyxiated, so much so that if he said a word it'd come out as strangled gasps.

Something flickered in Jaehyun's eyes too quick for anyone — much less _Taeyong_ — to catch it. "Why? We're not related. Would sound a bit weird now, don't you think?"

"What about godfather Taeyong? Hmm, boy?" Johnny cut in, slapping a firm but friendly hand on Jaehyun's back.

And this time, Taeyong had managed to catch the fleeting look that had graced Jaehyun's face — something bitter, annoyed, maybe akin to irritation. It was gone just as quickly as it came, and Taeyong didn't understand it. Maybe it was the reference to him as a boy when that was no longer, in any way, shape or form, the case. He looked like a man now, and Taeyong's brain, much to his own chagrin, was still somehow stuck on the fact. He had to collect himself from his dumbfounded state before he made himself look like a complete and utter fool in front of him.

But that brought on another thought; _why should he care?_

"You can call me whatever—" Taeyong blurted just as Jaehyun opened his mouth to speak. He felt as if Johnny and Ten were looking at him weirdly, he didn't have to see their eyes to know that, but even then, his own eyes didn’t shift from Jaehyun in front of him. "Call me Taeyong. Or Tae. Or Yongie, I don't really mind." The words were spilling out so quickly that he failed to grasp them.

"Woah, woah, woah. But I call you Yongie," Ten said, breaking into their one sided conversation. Taeyong, for the first time since Jaehyun had arrived, turned to look at Ten who was frowning deeply at him, smile gone. He felt something coil deep and ugly in his gut, and his head suddenly snap out of whatever daze it had been in. There was something creeping on his skin, itching the underneath.. something like embarrassment... something like _shame._

Of course Jaehyun couldn't call him that. It was too informal, and they barely knew each other. Not in a way that mattered at least.

"He can stick to Taeyong, but that last one is reserved for me," Ten said, wrapping an arm around his best friend possessively. He was smiling now, like he was teasing, and Taeyong realised he had been overthinking it. Of course Ten wasn't truly annoyed. Taeyong looked back to Jaehyun and Johnny, only to see that Jaehyun was still staring at him.

Taeyong diverted his eyes. "Let's sit and talk about it inside."

Ten beamed and nodded enthusiastically, ushering Taeyong into the living room past the two bulky men who stood with cans of beer in the hallway. As he passed, he smelled Jaehyun — or Jaehyun's scent was so rich and so deep that it travelled to him, because it wasn't like Taeyong had gone and sniffed him out on _purpose._ Jaehyun smelt musky, and dark, something with a heavy note swirling in the undertone. Like rich, expensive cologne, not one of the ones he used to smell every time he'd gone on those stupid blind dates Ten had set up for him.

It smelled... nice.

Taeyong shook his head as he took a seat on the brown, leather couch. It was clean — Ten's entire house was from top to bottom, and he was once again reminded that he had to get his act together. He never felt this was normally, he was never one to compare what he and Ten had because he was still comfortable in his own condo and king sized bedroom. At a point, Ten was even jealous of _him,_ and he confessed that once when Taeyong had gotten a job whereas he was still struggling with his at home freelancing. But somehow, the tables felt turned now, and Taeyong didn't like it.

Johnny and Jaehyun took a seat in front of them, with Jaehyun opting to sit directly across him, forcing Taeyong to look up at him whether he liked it or not. That was another thing that Taeyong noticed — the slight chin of his tilt upwards, it meant that Jaehyun had grown taller too, no longer were they at eye level. He shouldn't have been surprised. Except he was. And the whole thing was hitting him harder than anything ever should have.

"So.. when did you return?"

Taeyong was forced to ask the question that had been lingering in his mind ever since he set eyes on him. It had been four years since he'd seen Jaehyun in the flesh, and Jaehyun had been.. what? Seventeen then? Before he'd gone off to some big time university abroad to study law. Or science. Or sociology. Taeyong couldn't even remember anymore.

Jaehyun's eyes flickered over him from a brief moment, and the silence was passing — unnoticeable even, or mostly likely, to the other people in the room — but Taeyong's couldn't help but feel that it had enlarged and was somehow weighted. "Three days ago. I was staying in a hotel at first, but then I told Ten I arrived after I got settled in, and he told me to stay here in one of their guest rooms. So here I am... I'm sorry I didn't call."

Jaehyun looked sincerely apologetic, and Taeyong could not, for the life of him, begin to figure out _why._ There was nothing for him to be sorry for. Taeyong was put in the position of godfather by his mother, but that was just a title, it meant nothing. They weren't super close even before Jaehyun left, more so amicable, because really, what did Taeyong have in common with a seventeen year old? He hadn't expected Jaehyun to call. He didn't even think he had Jaehyun's number — international and korean. And it would have been hypocritical to expect otherwise.

"It's fine," Taeyong said, slightly flustered by the genuineness in his tone.

"He's finished his degree!" Ten chimed in happily, and Taeyong could tell that he was genuinely happy for him. "I think he'll be staying here for now, won't you, Hyunnie? Oh sorry — _Jay._ Isn't that what your American friends call you?"

Jaehyun raised an amused brow. "Call me whatever." Jaehyun's eyes flitted back over to Taeyong, and he couldn't help but feel like his words had been directed at _him._ "But yeah, I completed it. No more gruelling nights and watered down Starbucks. I'll be here for awhile."

Jaehyun's eyes went back to Taeyong, and his voice dropped an octave. "I came back for a reason."

"I'm sure you did," Johnny said, wiggling his brows. Maybe he understood what Jaehyun meant. Maybe he didn't. Taeyong felt like he understood something he didn't want to, and he pushed the thought out before it could fully take form. His stomach lurched again, and Taeyong suddenly felt sick. "But are you going to stay over for dinner?" Johnny asked, redirecting his attention back to Taeyong who had visibly paled.

When Taeyong didn't answer for an amount of time that seemed questionable, Ten nudged him playfully. "You don't want to stay over for my pad thai? Homemade."

"I— I—" Taeyong started, but something in his throat felt bitter and acrid. His stomach turned again, now gaining power. Taeyong shot up suddenly, feeling an incoming wave of familiar nausea approach, smooth and steady, like the tide inching in on a warm, sunny day — except this wasn't as beautiful or slow or pretty. It had hit him like when the waves crashed into a shore; violent and destructible.

"I think I need to go home. I feel sick."

At his words, Ten got up, eyebrows furrowed in concern. He didn't look in Johnny's direction for his reaction because Johnny was far too close to the one he suspected had caused his sudden sickness in the first place. Ten placed a hand to his head. "Are you alright? I think you have a fever."

Taeyong swallowed down stones. "I think so."

"Come, let's get you home then. I'm sorry for calling when you're so sick. I shouldn't have rushed you here for something so unimportant," Ten chastised himself. But it wasn't unimportant, Ten's doings, somehow it was as if it was one of the most striking things that had happened to him in his life. Seeing Jaehyun today had rattled his core and shaken his bones.

Ten began to usher him out to the hallway, but they were stopped by a hand shooting out to grab Taeyong's arms.

Taeyong froze up at his touch, and he turned slowly to face him. Jaehyun retracted his hand and goosebumps raised in its wake. They met eyes, and for a moment, or perhaps it was Taeyong's delusions, he felt as if Jaehyun was trying to convey something that he himself couldn't decode. He didn't even have the time to try because Jaehyun pulled him in for a swift hug, wrapping his arms around Taeyong's lithe waist, body molding against his perfectly.

Taeyong stood perfectly still before hesitantly raising his hands to reciprocate. He felt Jaehyun's thumb caress his back in a way that was so subtle, nobody else could have caught but him. It was enough to tell Taeyong that something was wrong.. that something was _off,_ and that this wasn't the Jaehyun he used to know — this wasn't the Jaehyun whose ears reddened every time Taeyong cooed and pinched his cheeks. This wasn't that Jaehyun at all. And when Taeyong tried to pull away, he hoped — _prayed_ — that Jaehyun hadn't felt the thunderous beating in his chest.

Before he could fully get away, Jaehyun's lips grazed his ear and caused a shiver to run down his spine. "I've missed you, Taeyong."

Jaehyun let him go then with a beautiful smile, and Taeyong was glad that his excuse was being sick so that his trembling could be blamed on that. Ten ushered him out of the house and into his car, a hand on the small of his back the entire way. He held Taeyong's hands at the car door and bid him a farewell along with some well wishes for his health and a promise to bring him some soup. Taeyong nodded at him, swallowing thickly, before setting off.

As he put his keys into ignition, he breathed out in an attempt to calm himself down. The nausea had settled and had it him clarity. The answer then dawned upon him.

He, Lee Taeyong, a thirty five year old with only half his shit together, found a guy — Jaehyun — over 10 years less than him in age, _attractive._

Taeyong had been busy at work. He was drowning in piles and piles of paperwork, and it was, in essence, his own damn fault. That weekend with Ten had left him uneasy, and the realisation he had come to wasn't one he ever wanted to confront head on. As soon as it came was just as soon as he had squashed it. But it kept rising, bubbling, and broiling beneath the surface, begging to break the water tension and be set free. And each time his mind treaded those dangerous waters, he'd reel himself in with a hook and grimace at his own thoughts.

He felt shameful, and gross, and disgusting. Taeyong was thirty five. _Thirty five._ He was past his mid twenties when Jaehyun was just a teenager, and he'd watched the boy grow up at every stage of his life. Well. _Nearly_ every stage — he hadn't seen the growth spurt that hit Jaehyun in the four years that he was gone, he hadn't seen how he'd grown and matured. Taeyong would've liked to think of him as a stranger, but he wasn't, he was the godson fourteen year old Taeyong had begged to hold. He was his best friend’s brother. His best friend’s _little brother._

Taeyong felt nothing but guilt, and it had seeped through every crack and crevice of his mind and was now eating him alive.

And so, he drowned himself in work as any upstanding, responsible adult would do. When there wasn't enough to do, he found more, and only when it was midway through the week did he learn about how his actions were being misinterpreted. Doyoung, his cousin from sales who had unfortunately started working in the company around the same time he had, seemed to have a lot to say about his new found work ethic that Thursday.

"I know what you've been trying to do."

Doyoung slamming down a stack of papers on his desk almost made him jump, but he knew how his cousin was, and he knew how Doyoung liked to rip him apart any time he saw Taeyong falter. Doyoung, like Ten, was a lot of things Taeyong wasn't, but with too much spite and snark and passive aggressiveness to resemble he and Ten. Doyoung was married already, _and_ he had his own kid, and he’d made his way up the company just as quickly as Taeyong had in the last ten years. But for Doyoung, that wasn't enough.

"What am I trying to do?" Taeyong cocked his head, feigning a sort of confidence he didn't truly feel. Not now at least. Not with the thoughts that had been roaming his mind for days.

"The promotion," Doyoung said without any further explanation. He slitted his eyes at Taeyong, and that's when Taeyong got it. "I don't know where you've discovered the new found work ethic, but squash it. I can see right through you, and I've been working for it longer than you have."

"I've always been hard working," Taeyong replied without missing a beat.

And it was true to an extent, Taeyong was diligent, he wouldn't have been able to afford his own car and rent his own condo if he wasn't. He'd risen to the top in record time. He had what most people wanted, except not all of it, and sometimes... sometimes it was a struggle to forget the other areas in his life that was lacking. But Doyoung knew that he wasn't suddenly working so hard out of simply wanting to better himself — no, there must have been something else to it.

He hoped that Doyoung couldn't sense just how much he was on edge.

"I don't know what's wrong with you, nor do I care. But don't start something you can't finish with me, Taeyong. You know how I get when people try to take what's mine," Doyoung told him, hand down on the desk as Taeyong stared up at him with what he only hoped was a nonchalant expression. Inside, his skin crawled, and his newfound guilt ridden thoughts blared through the cracks of his skull.

His shoulders untensed when Doyoung levelled him one final look before walking away. It was clear that drowning himself in work wasn't working, and it was bringing about more problems than it was giving solutions. He kept thinking back to Jaehyun; his scent, the dimples in his cheeks, the roughness of his hands when he touched him. And he felt ashamed about it all. He couldn't distance himself from Ten for more than a week, he knew that, so it was best to get Jaehyun out of his mind as soon as possible.

When Taeyong went home later that evening though, he found that his condo felt _cold._ Empty. Like it was missing something. And he had never noticed that it was so large — it left him to his own thoughts and brought about the reminder that he was behind in life. It was like there was some nonexistent race that his peers had managed to complete in record time, but the red finish line was too far ahead of him.

Taeyong was behind in that race. He was so so _behind._

Ten was coming over to his condo soon, and Taeyong had decided to get himself started on cooking. He wasn't an amazing cook like Ten, he couldn't cook pad thai, or heavily seasoned stir fries, or cookies and desserts, but he knew the basics. He wondered if that was it, fleetingly, why his previous relationships hadn't worked out. Why his _last_ relationship with he-who-must-not-be-named for the sake of Taeyong's very own sanity, hadn't worked out either.

Taeyong hadn't learned how to cook. He wasn't an amazing cleaner because he had found someone else to do that for him, and Ten usually cleaned their apartment when they used to live together. Taeyong had money, but money could only get you so far. It wasn't enough for a boyfriend, a husband, _a home._ He couldn't provide those things for men who were lacking in the exact same aspects he was. But Taeyong was the one who needed to change, and he needed to put himself out there — _with guys his own age._

He'd never been so focused on his shortcomings before, and he had an inkling that he knew the reason why.

The bell rang, and Taeyong wiped his hands on his apron before making his way over to the door. He took several deep breaths to prepare himself to face Ten with the knowledge that he knew now — that Jaehyun was attractive. He didn't want Ten to think less at him, nor denounce him as a friend for wanting... not wanting anything from his little brother, actually, because Taeyong hadn't let his mind wander that far. Jaehyun was attractive and that was it. It shouldn't have been causing him as much inner turmoil as it did.

Taeyong pulled the door open, and subsequently, his jaw _dropped._

He should have been expecting it — it was the only rational thing _to expect._ Ten would bring Jaehyun with him, he should've known that. Ten would bring Jaehyun everywhere because Jaehyun was new in town again, and Ten liked to pride himself on being some sort of tour guide. But despite that, Taeyong hadn't seen it coming. He hadn't expected Jaehyun to be right up at the door instead of Ten, his hands in his pockets and his cheeks flushed from cold. If it was any other day, month, _year,_ Taeyong would have leaned in to pinch his cheeks and called him adorable.

But he couldn't do such a thing anymore. He had to keep his hands to himself because he feared what would happen if he so much as touched him. Jaehyun simply being around him was as far as it went.

"Tae," Jaehyun said, breathless. Taeyong bit his lip before moving aside to let him on. "Leave the door open," Jaehyun instructed, "Ten's bringing you in a pot of soup."

"Is he? I should go help him," Taeyong said, opting to avoid him. It was easier to be out of his presence, and it'd give him a moment to recuperate before once again facing reality. Jaehyun, in all aspects, had snuck up on him. He'd done it the first time, and now he'd done it a second, Taeyong was only praying for the lack of a third.

Jaehyun glanced at the open door, watching as Ten approached with a pot in his hands. "He'll be fine. He cares for you a lot to do that, you know? He never made me soup when I was sick," Jaehyun laughed, and Taeyong found the sound appealing. It was everything about Jaehyun that he found attractive now, though it was all exterior. "He cares for you a lot," Jaehyun went on, "...and so do I."

Taeyong paused at his words. Jaehyun hadn't tacked it on as an after thought — it was as if it was said with intent, and Taeyong, too busy putting up his walls, didn't want to delve into the intention. _I care for you too,_ he almost found himself saying, but stopped himself in case Jaehyun misunderstood. His eyes moved upwards to peer at Jaehyun who was already staring down at him, jaw set hard, a look in his eye that made him want to tremble. It wasn't a lie, too. Taeyong did care for him. Platonically. Friendly. In a way that he shouldn't have needed to clarify for himself, but he did.

"I did miss you, you know. Did you miss me too? For some reason, I thought you'd forgotten about me."

And just before Taeyong could answer, Ten came huffing and puffing his way through the open front door. Taeyong was glad Ten cut him off when he did because his next words would've been to reassure Jaehyun that _no,_ he'd never forgotten about him. It was the truth, minimally, because Jaehyun had been in his thoughts — a sort of fleeting, nice memory he'd remember at some odd hour of the day or when Ten randomly brought him up in conversation. Jaehyun, even then, hadn't been completely forgotten.

But he was glad the words had died in his tongue and in his mind because there was a chance they would have been misinterpreted — there was a chance that Jaehyun would've known what he was thinking then and there, would've thought that Taeyong was hinting at more, and would've _known_ how attractive Taeyong truly found him. Ten's presence was as much of a blessing as it was a curse.

"I asked him to carry the fucking pot, and he ran off up the stairs and to your doorway. America's made him extra lazy." Ten puffed his cheeks and shoved the pot into Jaehyun's hands instead. "There, go take it to the kitchen for Yongs," Ten said, waving a hand vaguely towards the direction of the kitchen.

With Jaehyun gone, Taeyong felt like he could finally relax. He released a wound up breath as Ten turned to face him, frowning. That was the only look he seemed to get from Ten nowadays, and Taeyong just hoped that Ten wouldn't turn interrogative and ask him about the real reason he'd been _off._ Ten could read him in a way nobody else could. Sometimes, it was as if Ten was in his brain, poking at all the right neurons and nerves to confess. If Ten was to ask him right now, then and there, to spill what was on his mind, there was no doubt that he would have done so.

Luck was on Taeyong's side.

"You still look a bit sick. Go in, I'll heat up the soup on your stove so we can all eat lunch," Ten commanded after thoroughly inspecting Taeyong's face.

"I think it's just a cold," Taeyong told him.

"In the middle of Summer?” Ten raised a skeptical brow. Even Taeyong could admit that his excuse was far fetched. "You've come down with something. I think—"

"You've come down with something?" Jaehyun burst their airtight bubble. He came out of the kitchen into the hallway, face pinched with worry. His presence was daunting as he approached. A warm hand to his forehead took Taeyong's breath away, and made his eyes fall close. It was Jaehyun’s. "I think he has a fever," Jaehyun said as he felt Taeyong's flushed cheeks. Taeyong pulled himself away, flustered.

"H-How do you know?" Taeyong hated the way he stumbled over his words. He was usually calm and collected, even in the face of adversity. Maybe Ten and Jaehyun were right — maybe he was sick. It was worming its way into his skin and the flush of his cheeks like a disease.

"Because I had a friend who studied medicine," Jaehyun said simply. "She used to take care of me when I was sick."

He had a friend. Right. Taeyong knew what that sentence entailed. "And she taught you the symptoms of coming down with a fever?"

"No. Google did." Jaehyun then paused, eyes sweeping over him smoothly. "Your cheeks are awfully red, Tae." Jaehyun took a step forward, causing Taeyong's to draw in a sharp intake of breath. He cocked his head, and the twitch at the corners of his lips was unmistakable. "Why?”

There was something building up between them — warm, tingly, charged in the air, but Ten had turned off the fuse. "Because he's sick, idiot. Now go wash your hands and let's eat." Jaehyun broke Taeyong's gaze, and followed his older brother's wishes. Ten rolled his eyes.

"He's so stupid," Ten tacked on as they watched Jaehyun's looming figure retreat. There was no real bite to his words, they were said more fondly than anything. Taeyong couldn't understand it, he didn't have any siblings, and he supposed if he had that maybe he wouldn't have been stuck with someone so aggravating as Doyoung in his childhood, and more importantly, he would never have been seeing Jaehyun as he was now because he would've known what it was like to have someone hit on his younger brother.

Ten ushered him inside, and they sat down on the kitchen table as Ten dished and served the soup. Jaehyun, again, chose to sit directly opposite him so that he was all Taeyong could see in his line of vision. Jaehyun grinned at him as Ten worked in the background, and Taeyong reciprocated with a small smile. He caught himself tapping the edge of the table and stopped himself because it was a nervous habit, and he had no reason to be nervous, he told himself.

When they were all sat down finally to eat, Ten went on a spiel about how his latest art piece was bought from some big time, hot shot investor.

"I literally spent twenty minutes on it when Johnny and I got drunk one night. It was so half assed. That's how you can tell rich people have no actual taste for these things. I'm not complaining, though. The dumber they are, the better."

Taeyong was disengaged and uncharacteristically quiet as the topics rotated. Jaehyun moved on to talk about his university experiences and how he often felt homesick or just burnt out, especially at the beginning, but also about how his and Ten's uncle in America made sure to take care of him and remind him that he wasn't completely alone. He went on to speak about some of his experiences with the people too, and all the while, Taeyong put in his own tidbits of commentary where he felt like it was needed.

It wasn't that he wasn't listening to Jaehyun, in fact, his brain would argue that he was listening too intently with how focused he was on the way Jaehyun's lips moved and how he'd swipe his tongue over them every so often.

He was dragged out his almost trance-like state when Jaehyun shifted an elbow, and the cup of water that was placed so delicately on the edge of the table beside him fell onto Ten before anyone could register it. Ten jumped back in shock, mouth open. Jaehyun was quick to reach over for some paper towels, and even Taeyong had jumped up to help — and truly, to escape — but Ten waved a hand about to tell them he was fine, ever the independent one.

"It's good. I'll get myself cleaned up and find something in Yongs’ closet, don't worry," Ten reassured them, and then he was off. Jaehyun watched his brother go with an apologetic tilt of his head, but it seemed... it seemed _fake,_ almost. Taeyong knew how Jaehyun looked when he was genuinely apologetic, even for the most minuscule of things, and his expression right now didn't mirror it.

It was Jaehyun and Taeyong alone then, and not for the first time. He shot Jaehyun a look, and for a second they met eye to eye, before Taeyong picked up his own plate. "I'll go help him, I think."

Taeyong said it as a means to escape, but Jaehyun had other plans.

As Taeyong brought his plate to the sink to wash the dish, he didn't notice how Jaehyun, too, had quietly slipped out of his chair, until there was a powerful presence behind him and broad hands on his waist. Taeyong almost dropped his plate to shatter in the sink then and there, but at least he still had some sort of grip on reality not to do so. He inhaled deeply and shut his eyes.

"What are you doing?"

"You left your apron on," Jaehyun replied without missing a beat.

He felt Jaehyun's warm heat radiating from him, body practically pressed against him as he reached to untie the knot Taeyong had done back to front. Taeyong stayed like a statue in his arms, unable to _not_ notice just how much Jaehyun’s trapped him, just how large the ghost of Jaehyun's body felt against him, and just how good it felt. There was blood surging through his body with feelings he didn't want to confront, and he only relaxed when Jaehyun's excruciatingly slow actions came to a halt. But even then, his hands remained on Taeyong's waist.

Taeyong dropped the plate and turned around, fingers gripping unto the edge of the sink with vice grip. "T-Thank you."

Jaehyun's eyes searched his face, large hands still placed on Taeyong's waist in an almost possessive manner. Taeyong's eyes did the same, noticing things that hadn't been there before now that he was up close. The cut of his jaw, the definition of his brows, the darkness of his eyes, and the overall aura he exuded. Taeyong was the larger adult between them, and yet, under Jaehyun's piercing gaze, he felt small. Young. Not himself. He must have been losing his mind to feel like this for a man so young — to feel like this for Ten's little brother.

"Do I make you nervous?" Jaehyun asked in a low voice.

Taeyong gulped. He could lie. It was easier to do so, but there was something in the way Jaehyun was staring at him that it was as if he was seeing _through_ him, like he knew what Taeyong was thinking and just how sinful his thoughts were — like he knew how Taeyong wanted to go on his tip toes and have a taste of those reddened lips. He felt like Jaehyun knew the truth — they _both_ did — so his lying was useless, and yet, he still did.

"No."

It didn't even sound believable to his own ears.

Jaehyun didn't focus on what he didn't think was the truth. "You didn't answer me before. Did you miss me, Tae?"  
  
Taeyong's breath hitched, and his eyes skimmed over Jaehyun's face. Jaehyun removed a hand from his waist to place under his chin and tilt it upwards so that they were eye to eye. It should've been the moment that Taeyong pushed him away, that Taeyong laughed it off and slipped out of his arms because this was on the precipice of something less friendly, but it wasn't. He didn't. Because he liked it.

"Because I missed you. And I told you I came back for a reason." Jaehyun's thumb grazed over his bottom lip, and Taeyong felt his heart hammer in his chest. He shouldn't have even been allowing this. If not for the ethics, solely for the fact that Ten could walk in at any moment. But perhaps that was the thing that had the thrill of a rush thrumming in his veins. His hands moved to Jaehyun's chest, not pushing him away, but so that he had the option to. And he didn't want to hear Jaehyun's reasons for coming back, it would be nothing but damning if he did.

"I can't leave until I get it, you know? I wasn't this bold before.. I couldn't go after it then, but I can now. Do you understand?" Taeyong nodded his head shakily at his words. Jaehyun's hands dropped from his head back down to his waist. The hand on his chin wasn't needed anymore because Jaehyun's magnetic force pulled him in so much that he couldn't look at anything else now if he tried. "Have you seen how much I've changed?"

And Taeyong saw it all right, as clear as day. It was his change that had been plagued his mind the past week. Jaehyun, in every aspect, had _grown._

"What are you doing?" Ten's voice echoed through the room, and Taeyong found that that was what he needed to finally push Jaehyun off, scandalized. Shame washed over him because he felt as if he'd been caught doing something he shouldn't have — and it was _true._ Ten had almost caught them in a position that was taboo.

Ten slitted his eyes as Jaehyun backed away casually, hands in his pockets as if nothing had happened. Taeyong wondered if he had imagined it because the experience had actually felt that unreal. "I was just helping him with the dishes," Jaehyun told him, the tremor in voice gone from when he used to lie, and even his ears didn't turn red. It was like looking at a stranger — a sinfully attractive one.

"There's only one dish in the sink," Ten said, unimpressed. He crossed his arms and looked between the both of them, lips pursed into a fine line. Taeyong couldn't meet his eyes. "We have to go home now anyway, Johnny called that something came up." Ten's eyes settled on his brother whose smile was bordering cheeky.

"So soon?"

"Yes, so soon." Ten made a face. "Come on, let's go."

"Wait, are you not going to stay over? You usually keep me company till twelve. What about our movie marathon tradition?" Taeyong cut in, slightly pouting. There was a large chance that Ten was beginning to put pieces of the puzzle together that even Taeyong himself hadn't combined. But he still wanted Ten to stay... or them both. There must have been a draft coming in and making his condo colder these days.

"I could stay with you," Jaehyun chimed, and even Taeyong knew he was getting too bold, but Jaehyun simply grinned. Taeyong forced his eyes away. "Why do I have to come home with you now anyway? Does Johnny need me?"

"He needs _both_ of us. And even if he didn't, I still wouldn't leave you here. I don't want Taeyong to be terrorised by my little brother just because he's a stubborn kid, so you're coming with me."

At once, Jaehyun's demeanour changed. It was like Ten's words had triggered something in him, and Taeyong was unsure of what exact words had flipped the switch. Jaehyun stood straighter, taller, more domineering, and his eyes hooded over. His jaw tensed, and he seemed annoyed now, but Ten was unfazed. He had probably dealt with Jaehyun like this before. But Taeyong hadn't. Taeyong had never been in his presence when it was so... so... _intimidating_ , and it was setting something in him off.

"Fine."

Ten raised a brow at him before discarding his brother altogether and walking over to Taeyong. He wrapped his best friend in a hug, and Taeyong reciprocated, praying that Ten couldn't feel how his heart rate was so abnormal. For a moment, he’d thought that he almost got found out — that Ten would've known of his secret and maybe never bring over Jaehyun again. But maybe that was what he needed — space away from Jaehyun that was so brave and so bold and so _large,_ dominating every area of Taeyong’s mind.

Ten pulled away and cupped his cheeks. It burned. That was where Jaehyun's hands had been. "Get well soon, okay, Yongie?" Ten then kissed his forehead. He pulled away to hit his brother on his arm — Jaehyun didn't even budge. "And you, come with me."

And just like that, they were gone.

Taeyong could have fallen at the doorway once he saw their car out of sight. It was the door handle that held him up and stabilised his jello like knees. He couldn't help think back to what happened mere minutes ago. The position that Ten had caught them in almost seemed romantic, or something even less innocuous, and there was a glint that had passed through Taeyong's eyes that told him Ten had known.

He released a breath once he felt his phone buzz in his pocket.

`TEN  
sorry about my brother  
he's a dumbass  
love u `

Taeyong smiled, feeling the tension in his shoulders ebb away. Ten didn't know, and it was going to be alright. The only thing he did then was scold Ten for texting and driving.

There was a point in his life when Taeyong had given up on relationships. It was around his early thirties — though some could argue that thirty five wasn't exactly late thirties either — and he'd only been in a handful of relationships at the time. None of them had lasted long. There was Minjae that Ten had introduced to him and had only lasted two weeks, there was Chanyeol that had lasted a bit longer — a month — and Jongin, Chanyeol's best friend, despite how unethical that was, but his twenty eight year old self was too full of spite to care.

And then there was his last ex who lasted two years and had left too much of an imprint of his life for Taeyong to ever forget. Taeyong didn't like to think about him. He was promised too much and was given so little, and he was made to believe that they were endgame — fated or somehow meant to be — before he had one day packed up his bags and left Taeyong in the dust. There were no warnings that time, nothing to indicate any errors in their relationship, no matter how hard he thought back to it during the aftermath. There were no signs. He just one day gave up and left Taeyong to deal with the cold of his condo _alone._

Taeyong had gotten himself together because he was a responsible adult, that's what adults did, and life was bittersweet. He could manage on his own, and he could do the basics. He learned more recipes and now he could shop and cook for himself. It wasn't a big deal. Being left alone wasn't a problem.

Taeyong reminded himself of that fact when he went grocery shopping that weekend by himself. It was nice to go with a partner, and sometimes he and Ten did their shopping together because it was efficient, but Ten was busy, and he was just as fine doing it unaccompanied. Sometimes he wondered if Ten followed him around for the most mundane things because he pitied him, or maybe he felt sorry for moving out and living with Johnny even before they got married.

Taeyong didn't like to think it was pity that held their friendship together. But there would be no friendship at all if Taeyong let his thoughts get the best of him. Ten didn't deserve a perverted best friend who had thoughts of kissing his brother.

Taeyong pushed away those thoughts as he walked through the store mindlessly. What had happened with Jaehyun in the kitchen that day... _whatever_ that was, it shouldn't and _wouldn't_ repeat itself again. He wouldn't let Jaehyun get that close to him again, he wouldn't allow Jaehyun to even touch him, and he was going to try his hardest not to be left alone with him ever again for both of their sakes. Jaehyun probably didn't see how wrong it was... maybe they all touched each other like that in America, and maybe they all lacked boundaries, so it meant more to Taeyong that it did to him. The only thing Taeyong could do now was try to prevent it.

But fate had other plans.

Taeyong stilled, full body coming to a halt when he spotted Jaehyun at the end of the aisle. It wasn't that he could see his face, because Jaehyun had his back turned, but he could see his build, his stance, and the way he tipped his head back when he laughed. And the laughter seemed to be directed at a girl his age. Taeyong felt something pang in his chest and coil around his heart to give it a gut-wrenching squeeze. She looked his age. She probably _was_ his age, if not a little younger. And she had a youthful beauty to her with the way she smiled and laughed — lacking stress caused lines and worn out skin.

It looked like someone Jaehyun should have been with.

Taeyong was happy for him. They looked right together, and Jaehyun had come back for a reason, he knew it now. Maybe to settle down and get married, something Taeyong should have done a long time ago. Jaehyun was on the right path, and what Taeyong felt for him... it was like robbing a cradle.

Taeyong turned away, chest tight, and walked into another aisle. He'd just get his things and go; bread, rice, milk—

"Taeyong."

He froze. Taeyong didn't dare turn around. If anything, he wished the ground would open up and swallow him whole.

"Taeyong," the familiar voice said again.

There was an edge to it that made it feel like an order, and Taeyong, despite himself, turned around. It was Jaehyun approaching him at the end of the aisle, whoever was with him now long gone. Taeyong wished he had just went to pay straight away — screw the rest of the items on his list, he'd broken his own rule when it had barely run its course. And the likelihood of running into Jaehyun not only so soon, but in a wide grocery store out of all the other abundant ones should've been slim to none.

Except it wasn't.

"I was hoping to run into you here," Jaehyun told him.

"Why?" Taeyong asked, staring up at him. The question was stupid, but he felt like he needed to know. He also felt like he knew the answer, but it could as well have been paranoia telling him exactly what the deepest depths of his mind wanted to hear.

Jaehyun raised an amused brow. "Do I need a reason? I wanted to see you, that's all."

Taeyong frowned. That posed another question of _why_ Jaehyun wanted to see him, but he had an awful feeling that if he asked, Jaehyun would continue with his cryptic answers.

"Alright... I'll just get this and go."

Taeyong turned around to get something on the top shelf, before a hand was clamped on his shoulder and Jaehyun stepped forward to get it for him. Their hands brush, and Taeyong's pulled his away sharply, feeling an electric bolt travel through him from where Jaehyun had touched. Jaehyun backed up when he turned around and then handed him the bag, but there was that same twitch in his lips that made Taeyong feel like he had done it on _purpose._

The situation was all too familiar.

"You don't have to keep helping me, you know. I'm fine. I can do it by myself," Taeyong said, but Jaehyun simply smiled. But he wasn't getting what Taeyong was trying to say. Taeyong swallowed thickly. "I'm older than you."

"I know."

Jaehyun had been expecting it. It was the only possible way he had answered so fast. He could read Taeyong's mind, know exactly what he was going to say before he said it. The line felt rehearsed, and Taeyong didn't want to spend his time figuring out why.

"Thank you.. but please don't treat me like a child, it's insulting," Taeyong scolded him, trying to sound stern. Truly, he found it sort of nice, those little things Jaehyun did — he'd always been independent, and in his past relationships, his partners had known that. They hadn't opened the door for him or picked up his things because Taeyong could do it himself.

"I'm sorry," Jaehyun said as Taeyong side stepped him, trying to get away and end the conversation. "I didn't know it'd make you feel like that if I helped you."

 _It's not you helping me that's the problem,_ Taeyong thought, _it's the touching._

The words fell flat on his tongue as Jaehyun followed him all the way to the checkout and even stood in line with him. He didn't know what he wanted to achieve by following him around like this. He needed to find friends, or that girl he was with from earlier, or somebody — _anybody_ — that would take him away from Taeyong. His ears rang from the blood rush, and he was all too aware of himself as Jaehyun's eyes were on him, wordless. He didn't look at him, but he guessed that Jaehyun was sorry. Taeyong should've been the one sorry — for mistreating him and thinking about him the way he did.

He let Jaehyun follow him all the way out into the car park. Ams his mind wandered then as they walked, thinking of things he hadn't so far ventured into. They probably looked odd together. Maybe like siblings. Or friends. Or a cougar and his boy toy. But nobody would look at them and see something romantic. Taeyong himself hadn't dared to.

Once Taeyong's hand reached the handle of his car, he released a held in breath and faced Jaehyun. "Why are you still following me around?”

Jaehyun cocked his head, hands in his pockets. Taeyong couldn't remember the last time he'd done something so.. juvenile? Informal? He'd learned to stand straight if he ever wanted to taken seriously and be perceived as the age he was. "Because I want you to take me home."

Taeyong paused. "To Ten's?"

Jaehyun shook his head. "To yours." And Jaehyun must have seen his rapid change in facial expression because he tacked on, "Drop me off at yours, and I'll get a taxi. It'll be closer and cheaper. You don't have to drop me all the way there, and I think you have stuff that'll melt if you drive around for too long." Jaehyun's eyes shifted to the pint of ice cream in his hand, and Taeyong suddenly felt embarrassed for his food choices.

The option to say no didn't exist. It did, but it didn't — not _really._ He couldn't leave Jaehyun here to fend for himself and find his own way home just because he himself felt at odds with him. It wasn't right. He should suck it up because Jaehyun didn't deserve that. And that was his reasoning to nod his head and say, "Okay."

The drive to Taeyong's condo was quiet, but not exactly uncomfortable. It was a neutral sort of silence, amicable really, and Jaehyun humming along to the radio told him that the awkwardness stiffening his bones was one sided. Taeyong breathed out, focusing his eyes on the road. He was overthinking things. Of course he was over thinking things. Jaehyun's words replayed in his head like a broken record on repeat.

_I came back for a reason._

_I can't leave until I get it._

The words made his stomach turn with unease and his grip on the steering wheel to tighten. The reasonable thing to do would be to ask and insist Jaehyun quit with the elusive answers. He could really just pull over, stop the car, and just _ask._ It was driving him mad — not just the memory, but Jaehyun's presence itself. Jaehyun beside him was so calm and composed and he smelled good, Taeyong noted, like sweet champagne with a dark note, something he'd get intoxicated with on late nights. But Jaehyun wasn't something — _someone_ — he could ever have a taste of.

"Oh, we're here," Jaehyun said, and Taeyong blinked. He was about to miss the turn to his complex. Was he really that out of it?

Taeyong parked the car outside, in front of the steps of his condo. He paused momentarily before shifting to Jaehyun. "Are you not going to get out?"

"Are you?" Jaehyun countered, now facing him too. Taeyong bit down on his lips.. _right._ Maybe he should've opened the door for Jaehyun or something, but even that seemed far fetched. But he should've left by now, and yet, here he was, sitting, watching, waiting. And for what?

They were staring at each other, and Taeyong felt the atmosphere shift, a gradual change. It was like they were both waiting for something but nothing at all, and Taeyong's stomach turned in anticipation and so many mixed feelings that it would have taken years to pick each of them apart. And he felt it before he saw it; Jaehyun's hand creeping up unto his thigh. There was no excuse for it like at Ten's, or in his kitchen, or even at the grocery store — all places that Jaehyun had managed to touch him, someway, somehow.

He knew now that it could no longer be blamed as coincidental, and he could only blame himself for not pushing Jaehyun's hands off. Taeyong liked the feel of his fingers and the ghost of his touch, and he liked the way Jaehyun's hand melded around the flesh of his thigh. The pure satisfaction it brought alone was scary, for it overtook every thought screaming at him to pull back, to push Jaehyun away, to slap him even for breaking boundaries that were never meant to be broken. There was a voice in the back of his mind whispering about his own age and about Jaehyun, about how it was too much, and about how they were too far apart.

But right now, they felt _so so close._

"I've been trying to tell you, but I don't think you've gotten my hints," Jaehyun started, and there was no shakiness to his voice. He was looking Taeyong directly in the eye — _Taeyong_ was the one to flit his eyes away like a coward. "I feel like I have to show you for you to understand." Jaehyun inched closer, and Taeyong felt something in his heart move. He found Jaehyun attractive, he knew that, and he also knew that it was detrimental to keep denying it, but his heart had never once done this — it had never once _fluttered._

If Taeyong himself was leaning in, he didn't notice it. If Jaehyun was drawing forward, he didn't question it. "You know... there was something I learned while I was away. Do you want to know what that is, Tae?" Jaehyun muttered, and Taeyong's eyes fell down to his lips. They were dangerously close.

"It's Latin... _Carpe diem._ "

Jaehyun had come so close that the ghost of Taeyong's lips were on his, and it was all happening so fast that he couldn’t stop it — he didn't _want_ to stop it. Taeyong then parted his lips to speak. They almost touched. He had never been a linguist, but it would've been a sin to not have known what that phrase was.

"Live in the moment."

Jaehyun surged forward, meeting Taeyong's lips in a bruising kiss. It was as if he was packing his entire being into it so that Taeyong understood everything he could and couldn't say without even needing the words. But Taeyong understood it. He had felt that electric charge he had been trying so hard to deny from the very first time they'd met after Jaehyun's return. But now that small electric charge had turned into something so powerful that Taeyong was sure it would leave him with nothing but ashes.

Taeyong felt his resolve crumble beneath him slowly and turn to dust, and Jaehyun's newfound touch on his skin left fire in its wake. They shouldn't have been doing this, Taeyong was aware of that. There was something taboo about kissing your godson, and there were principles when it came to kissing your best friend’s brother. He had to remember Ten.

Taeyong pulled away suddenly, breathless. His eyes immediately went to Jaehyun who's lips were swollen red, slick, and bitten. Taeyong felt something swoop through him at the thought that _he_ did that. "When Ten... at my house, when you left—"

"Did he ask me what we were doing?" Jaehyun cut him off and grinned. "No. Something actually did come up... and he doesn't know."

"Doesn't know what?"

The answer was clear. "That I like you."

Taeyong should've pulled back when he discovered it, but he didn’t. Instead, he let Jaehyun kiss him over and over and over again until they were out of their seats, through the door of his house, and up against the wall of his room. He was selfish, and he knew it, he was all too aware of the fact — he couldn't give Jaehyun what he wanted. Jaehyun _liked_ him, but all Taeyong felt was just unbridled attraction that had now turned into lust. There was something so tempting about taking a bite of the forbidden fruit.

As Jaehyun's hands went under his sweater, roaming the expanse of his skin with large, warm hands, Taeyong pulled back, fingers still clawed into Jaehyun's broad shoulders. Looking at him now, objectively, even through the cloud and haze of lust, Jaehyun was undeniably sexy in a way that put Taeyong's very own allure to shame. It was an awakening reminder of the differences between them.

"Don't you think..." Taeyong started in a small voice, "I look old?"

Taeyong knew it was a bad choice of words with the way Jaehyun's eyes darkened when they swept over him, and when the grip he had on Taeyong's waist tightened. "No. You could be forty five, and I'd still find you the sexiest fucking thing on this planet."

Taeyong laughed, tilting his head back. "Good to know."

Jaehyun then swiftly removed Taeyong's sweater to reveal his milky skin before swiping his own clothes off. He guided Taeyong to the bed, peppering hot kisses along his collarbones all the way, and when he began to suck is when Taeyong felt himself become pliant underneath Jaehyun's fingertips. He was putty in Jaehyun's hands as Jaehyun licked, kissed, and explored every area of his torso as if he was worshipping every crack and every crevice of Taeyong's skin. There was hunger in his eyes, and when he yanked down Taeyong's pants was the moment Taeyong jolted.

"W-Wait, have you done this before?" Taeyong asked because the absolute _worst_ thing was if Taeyong was going to be his first. Taeyong could forget it — he could move on from this, but Jaehyun's couldn't. Jaehyun would be stuck remembering the first man who he had so willingly given a part of his soul.

Jaehyun smirked. "Of course. You didn't think I'd make a move on you if I was inexperienced, do you? I came back to please you," Jaehyun told him, and Taeyong's skin flushed with want, "and to show you the man I've become."

And as if to emphasise his point, Jaehyun took himself out of the confines of his pants, and Taeyong gaped. Jaehyun was hung. Taeyong had been with many partners, and although he knew he shouldn't compare, Jaehyun was... he was _hung._ There was no other way to describe it that wouldn't have felt dirty and lewd.

Jaehyun's smirk grew wider, and he made himself bigger so that the harsh lines and indents of his body were emphasised. "You like what you see, _hyung?_ "

Taeyong honestly could have slapped him. But in that moment, all that came out was a breathy, _"Kiss me."_

Jaehyun obliged. And he proved it to him that night — proved it over and over. Jung Jaehyun, at the peak age of twenty one, was now a _man._

Taeyong didn't know what time as night it was when he stirred awake. He felt strong, bare arms wrapped around him, and he snuggled into it, enjoying Jaehyun while he could, because come morning, this would all be over and they'd go their separate ways. Jaehyun had maybe lived out his fantasy of bedding someone older, Taeyong a simple notch under his belt, and Taeyong had Jaehyun fucked out of his system. When the sun rose, this would end.

Jaehyun must have still thought he was asleep.

Quietly, he continued to draw circles on Taeyong's arms, feeling the cool touch of soft skin radiate through his palm. Taeyong felt lips placed on them, before Jaehyun murmured to himself, "I thought it was a silly crush... but I know it now." Jaehyun's lips were pulled away, and Taeyong found himself missing their warmth. Jaehyun pulled him against his broad chest, impossibly close, moving on to speak in hushed whispers — a secret told in the dark.

"I think I've loved you for a long time."

Taeyong stilled. He forced himself not to open his eyes.

And he felt it then — something creeping in his stomach, slow, cold, and weighted, heavier than bricks. It was _dread._

Taeyong had done the worst thing imaginable.

There was only one time he'd seriously thought about getting married, and it was with his last ex. It was a reasonable thought to have, they had been together for awhile, and at the time, he had just turned thirty four. His mom had been nagging him about it and dropping subtle hints whenever they both went over for dinner, and soon, those thoughts, too, had started to snake their way into Taeyong's mind. He'd imagine them with a bigger house, maybe two kids, and taking his kids on playdates with Ten's. He'd imagine the trips to the park and the running by the lake. He had imagined it all.

But there was a part of him that knew Kun was never going to stay.

The same week he began thinking of marriage — _seriously,_ that is — is the same week Kun had left him. Maybe Kun had sensed his thoughts and wasn't ready for the commitment, or maybe he was just tired of Taeyong and tired of their boring relationship that provided nothing but stability. But stability wasn't enough. Taeyong knew that now. And they mustn't haven't been as stable as Taeyong thought because Kun packed up his bags and said he was moving abroad for a year and couldn't do long distance.

Taeyong remembered feeling heartbroken for a while — or, at least, he forced himself to. It would have been weird to other people to walk around like he was fine even if that was exactly what he was. He had to act more upset than he was for false pretences, and he cried more than he needed to when Ten consoled him over a bottle of wine and something stronger, like whiskey or vodka. He cried a little bit on his own at first, but those tears had dried, and the sun had set, and his days had carried on.

Taeyong wanted to do the same thing now — carry on — but it didn't seem so simple anymore. And he was a coward for running away, he knew, for leaving Jaehyun to wake up cold and alone in his condo without so much as a note. But it was dangerous territory what had happened to him back in there— not even physical, but _internal._

When Jaehyun touched him, he felt the hairs on his skin rise, when Jaehyun entered him, he felt what had become forgotten pleasure, and as Jaehyun whispered sweet nothing in his ear whilst he cradled Taeyong to sleep in his arms, he felt himself give away a piece of his heart. The thought of being with Jaehyun now shouldn't have left childish butterflies in his stomach, but it _did._

It did, and Taeyong was _scared._

The sun had already risen and was peeking through the windows of his car. He looked down at the time — six am — and closed his eyes, head in his hands. He shouldn't have given into such stupid. fucking. primal. urges.

His phone dinged to signal that he had a notification, and despite him being scared of Jaehyun's name popping up on the screen, he still looked. He looked because he was selfish and wanted much more of Jaehyun that he could have or ever give. But the number on the screen was unrecognisable, and the name that popped up had his world crashing down.

`UNKNOWN  
I'm back.  
We should meet.  
— Kun. `

The last time Taeyong had gone MIA is when he was seventeen and he'd bought concert tickets to a stupid indie band that had disbanded a year later. His mother had forbidden him from going, and in some act of defiance, he had chosen to run away. He had packed his bags with the bare necessities and planned to leave for a week, and would only return when his mother concurred. Though, it had only been two days when he returned after realising he didn't have the basic things like food or running water that a home could provide.

Running away then had been hard, but running away from his problems now seemed easy. He could lock himself at home in the name of work and avoid Ten and Johnny's calls using that exact same excuse. _Work,_ he told Ten when he invited Taeyong over for dinner. _Work,_ he told Johnny when the man invited him over the next weekend for brunch. And then when Jaehyun's started to flood in, Taeyong hadn't answered them at all. What was there for him to say? That he didn't want anything to do with him anymore? If Jaehyun was as much of an adult as he claimed to be, he should have been able to take a hint.

But just like when he was a teen, there was an expiration date to his running away.

Taeyong heard the lock on his door be fiddled with and paused from his paperwork. He slowly got out of his chair and peeked into the hallway, only to find it empty. He watched as the door lock rattled and furrowed his brows. His gut wasn't telling him of any threat, more so that he was forgetting something, but there was clearly someone trying to open his door. As the door clicked open, it hit him.

Ten had a spare key.

"Stop right there!" Ten pointed a finger at him, and Taeyong halted before he could go back into his room and lock the door. Such an action would've been considered childish, but Ten had seen him at worse.

Ten stepped forward with a hand on his hips. "You've been hiding from me."

"No I haven't," Taeyong said, the lie ringing through his head. "I've just been busy at—"

"Work," Ten finished for him. "We know. But for two weeks? C'mon Yongs, I know you better. It's actually kind of insulting that you think I wouldn't." Taeyong frowned and stepped forward — he didn't think that at all. "I only wonder what's such a big deal that you've been hiding from me."

"What would I be hiding from you?"

"I don't know, Tae." Ten took a step forward. "You tell me."

Taeyong breathed out to calm his nerves before making his way towards Ten. He enveloped him in a hug, to which Ten begrudgingly accepted. He'd missed this — he'd missed Ten. It felt like he hadn't seen him in years. They'd never spent so long apart, not without some sort of video call at least because Ten was only reassured when he saw Taeyong whole and in one piece. It was times like this that made Taeyong feel like he didn't deserve Ten, and it made the guilt from his previous actions wash over him ten fold.

"Come," Ten said, pulling away. He held Taeyong's hands in his and gave them a little squeeze. "We'll go out for some coffee now and maybe some lunch." Ten gave him a once over. "You fucking vampire, you look like you haven't stepped outside in a week."

Taeyong smiled weakly, and at that, got ready to go wherever Ten wanted to take him. The drive with Ten, too, was quiet. It reminded him of the one with Jaehyun before common sense was forgotten and they had done something they shouldn't have. There was no charged sexual energy lingering in the air with Ten because Taeyong wasn't attracted to Ten, Ten was married, and Ten wasn't his brother — _Jaehyun._

Taeyong kept his eyes trained outside of the window.

At the coffee shop is when things changed, and the atmosphere settled into something less light.

"I know," Ten said, causing Taeyong to choke on his drink just as the waitress walked away. "I know you slept with him and that he likes you."

Taeyong's heart beat was in his ears. He placed his drink down, struggling to steady his fingers. "H-How?"

Ten was never one to beat around the bush, so Taeyong should have seen all of this coming when Ten broke into his home. And yet, he hadn't. "He told me the day he came home. I forced him to. I walked into his room by accident, saw some nail scratches on his back and asked him who the new flavour of the week was." Ten paused to pick up his drink, and Taeyong watched with bated breath as he sipped it and placed it down steadily.

"And do you know what he said? He said there was no flavour of the week because he was serious this time... and that it was _you._ "

Taeyong shut his eyes.

"He likes you," Ten told him.

"I know."

Taeyong knew he liked him — he knew more than Ten knew if Jaehyun's confession that night was anything to go by. Jaehyun didn't simply like him — he _loved_ him, and love was a scary thing. To even admit such a thing meant that Jaehyun had been harbouring those unrequited feelings for _years._ Taeyong didn't know how he did it. A part of him wished that Jaehyun had stayed in America so that Taeyong would never have learnt of his feelings at all.

"I can't beat around the bush with this. Do you like him too? Or was it a one night stand? I think he deserves to know," Ten asked. Ten was younger than him, yet he was the authoritative figure between them at times. Both Ten and Jaehyun had that special skill of making him small — of making him retreat into himself, which he would never have done with anyone else; friends, exes, or even enemies.

"I don't know," Taeyong answered truthfully. He did feel something for Jaehyun, but not to the extent of what Jaehyun felt for him. Jaehyun's feelings ran deep, and Taeyong's were just beginning to bloom, granted, if he didn't leave in the weeds.

Ten wasn't satisfied with that response — Taeyong could tell because the man had huffed and crossed his arms. Taeyong didn't dare look up at him. He didn't know if he could take the disappointment. So he stared into his drink and stirred it with his straw. It was growing cold.

"Kun texted me to meet up the day after," Taeyong disclosed, and he could visibly see Ten's eyes widen in shock without even having to look up at him.

"And?" Ten said, urging him to elaborate. Taeyong sighed and looked up, chewing his bottom lip. "Well? Did you meet with him?"

"Not yet."

"Not yet," Ten repeated slower, falling back into his seat. "So you will in the future."

"I don't know," Taeyong said sincerely. "I think I should. Maybe he wants to get together again, and he's the safest option, you know that." Ten's face pinched at his words. "He has a job, he's out of college, he has his own place, he—"

"He's the same age as you," Ten cut him off. He nodded like he understood what Taeyong had been getting at the entire time. "That’s what that all means. You think my brother's too young for you so you're pushing him away."

Ten said it in a slightly accusatory tone that made Taeyong frown. That was part of it — the fact that he and Jaehyun were at two different stages in life — but it was also because Jaehyun's feelings scared him, and his _own_ feelings scared him. He was afraid that this time, if he fell, he wouldn't be able to come back up so easily again. Kun's strings hadn't coiled around his heart and pulled at it like this in the beginning, but Jaehyun's strings had already wrapped around his entire being, pulling him close. It was scary what he felt so soon.

"Look, Yongs. I can't even tell you what you have to do because I don't even know what's going on in that little brain of yours, but I _can_ tell you what I _want_ you to do."

"What?" Taeyong said, distressed.

Ten levelled him a look. "I want you to get your ass in gear and speak with my brother."

And before Taeyong could give him a million and one feeble reasons not to, Ten stood up with his drink and slid out from his booth seat. Taeyong watched, shellshocked, as Ten casually exited the café and left him alone. And then his mind _broke_ when a figure approached from behind him to instead take the seat directly in front of him. It was that same beautiful smile belonging to that same beautiful man that he had been trying so hard to avoid.

"You're acting like a child," is the first thing Jaehyun told him, brows drawn together as if he was truly scolding one.

Taeyong steeled him so that he wouldn't shrink. It was humiliating enough that Jaehyun had caught him — _planned_ to catch him — like this. "I think it should be the other way around."

Jaehyun took in two breaths and shut his eyes. Taeyong recognised it as the calming technique he'd learned when he took that one yoga class with Ten. "Listen, I want to be upfront with you. I like you, and I want to pursue you."

Taeyong stilled.

Pursue. Not fuck, not date, but _pursue._ It sounded formal, and it was almost... impressive. And the way that Jaehyun was looking at him now was doing something to him — he could feel his walls crack slowly to let Jaehyun in. It was those eyes, Taeyong reasoned, those eyes that looked at him like no other man had looked him before — with passion, with hunger, with want... with _love._

Never in his life, be it Minjae, Chanyeol, Jongin, or Kun, had he ever been looked like that nor felt so unashamedly wanted. But it was by a man who he shouldn't be with. It was by a man who he'd already let so close, inside and out. Taeyong's eyes fell on Jaehyun's lips, and he skid them away just as quickly. He didn't want Jaehyun to know what he was thinking, especially in a situation so serious. It was shameful almost.

"I watched you grow up," Taeyong told him. "And then I don't see you for years and you come back as a completely different person... Jaehyun, do you understand how that would look to other people? I.. I can't—"

"To who? Who are these other people? Why should they matter — why do you even _care?_ " Jaehyun countered. And Taeyong knew he shouldn't have cared, the reasonable part of him told him that, but he still _did._ A small part of him cared much more than he should've. "Look," Jaehyun reached over the table to hold his hands, and Taeyong was taken aback by their softness. It didn't at all match how Jaehyun looked. "I can deal if you genuinely don't feel the same, that I would understand. But these excuses? Taeyong..."

Jaehyun's words were an emollient. Taeyong sighed.

"I... I just..." Taeyong started before the words fell flat. He should have this, he told himself, he wanted someone who loved him wholly and that he would one day learn to love back. "Okay," Taeyong told him.

"Okay?"

"Okay."

And then Jaehyun cupped Taeyong's cheeks and drew himself forward over the table to slot their lips together.

The way Taeyong made decisions was often unorthodox. Most people would sit down and think things through before doing anything hasty, but Taeyong's job had forced him to forgo thinking things through so as to make snappy decisions. But none of those decisions were long term, and Taeyong himself never had to deal with the repercussions. He didn't doubt things then because he was so sure of himself that he could often come across arrogant or cocky.

It was like Jaehyun brought out a new side of him. A side of self doubt.

"This is for you." A voice fished him out of his thoughts. Taeyong looked up, startling in his seat when Doyoung placed down a large bouquet of flowers, all but slamming it down again on the table. Pink, red, and white roses all wrapped together and held in lavender coloured string and paper. Taeyong's eyes capered between Doyoung and the flowers on his desk, a feeling of unease settling through him.

"From downstairs. I saw them on my way back in from lunch."

"Thank you," Taeyong mumbled as he picked them up carefully and ran a hand over their tips. Taeyong knew who they were from, and he didn't want to break them.

"Say, why would someone like Jung Jaehyun be bringing you flowers?" Doyoung questioned, and Taeyong prayed Doyoung didn't see the way his hand had faltered. He did, though, because Doyoung had always been the type to notice the little things.

"They're for Ten," Taeyong answered. "He bought them as gift for his brother."

It was a lie he couldn't sell if he tried, and he was treading carefully because of who exactly he was speaking to. Jaehyun had bought the flowers for him. He had come all the way to Taeyong's office just to hand him them on a whim. Acts of service was a love language, he could remember Ten telling him once, acts of service and receiving gifts. It should have been enough to quell all doubts Taeyong had. But it wasn't. It couldn't be enough.

"I didn't know he was back... he's grown up."

"He has," Taeyong replied.

And maybe that had been the wrong choice of words because Doyoung's eyes zeroed in on him. The flowers, Jaehyun, Taeyong and... It was clear. Doyoung would have been a _fool_ not to put them together. "He has?"

"You've seen him yourself, haven't you? Of course he has." Taeyong didn't look him in the eyes. He didn't dare to. Doyoung had an affinity for lies.

"He still looks young," Doyoung said.

And there was an almost malicious edge to his voice, and Taeyong couldn't help but feel like he was being targeted by Doyoung directly. Perhaps Doyoung had figured it out. "He has a baby face, don't you think? He should get himself a partner and bring them to the family barbecue." Taeyong's face had morphed into multiple things as Doyoung spoke — worry, anxiousness, annoyance, before sticking with surprise at his very last words. Doyoung raised a brow.

"Don't tell me you forgot?"

Taeyong _did_ forget, but now that he had remembered, it was an easy escape route from a conversation that was beginning to head down a dangerous road. If he played his cards right, he could divert Doyoung's attention — the man's eyes now beginning to make him feel tense.

"I didn't forget. I even have it written down on my calendar," Taeyong said. A calendar that he hadn't bothered to look at.

"So who are you bringing?" Doyoung asked, cocking a brow. Taeyong paused — he hadn't thought about that. "Or you're coming empty handed again? You know, Taeyong, you should think about settling down now, don't you think? It's a shame all your boyfriends have left you."

"They weren't the ones that left me," Taeyong said, flames flickering in his eyes.

Doyoung ignored him, smiling through wicked teeth. "I could get one of my husband's friends and set you up on a blind date. It'll be good. Just tell me your type. How do you like 'em? Rich?”

Taeyong narrowed his eyes at him — he didn't know what Doyoung was trying to get at, and it was making him stiffen with anger. The tone of his voice was condescending, downright _mocking_ even. If Taeyong didn't have respect for himself, or if Doyoung hadn't chosen to antagonise him in public, he might honestly have fought him. It wouldn’t be the first time they'd gotten into a fight, and even as adults, it wouldn't be the last.

"Handsome? Well built? Good in bed?" Doyoung went on to list more traits, and Taeyong pursed his lips, slitting his eyes. "Or do you like them _young?_ "

"Get out."

Doyoung grinned. "My pleasure."

Taeyong's hands carded through Jaehyun's hair softly as they sat on Taeyong's sofa that evening watching tv. Jaehyun's head was in his lap, and with Taeyong's free hand, they held each other's, fingers laced together. An ad came up then between the breaks, something to do with weddings, suits, and cakes.

Taeyong diverted his eyes when he felt Jaehyun squeeze his hand tighter.

They said with age came confidence, and it was true, Taeyong was a testament to that, but sometimes even he faltered. Being with Jaehyun felt right, but sometimes just feeling right wasn't _enough._ Sometimes when Jaehyun would buy him flowers, like the ones in his office, Taeyong would put them in a vase and watch them wither, like a sort of countdown in the days left of their relationship. The only thing Taeyong didn't doubt was Jaehyun's love — he showed that in more ways than one.

But Taeyong had a streak when it came to regular relationships, not to mention ones as out of the box and unconventional as his and Jaehyun's.

Taeyong chewed the inside of his cheek. It was hard not to remember words like Doyoung's and the second glances they got in public — not enough to truly worry about, but it was amplified now in his head. He thought about all those things and more as his fingers hovered over the keys, debating whether to send the text or not. A text came in from Jaehyun, too fleeting for him to have caught it properly. Something about a beach. Maybe he was trying to plan their next date.

They weren't official, Taeyong reasoned. So this was _okay._ Just for this one time, and after that, he'd get his shit together and they'd go public. After this. Right after this, he told himself. And then Taeyong's finger came down to send the text, and he shut his eyes as he did so. His breath was held as he waited for a reply, the inside of his cheek now bitten raw. When he chanced a glance at his phone screen, he felt something glacial settle in his stomach.

`KUN  
Yes, I will. I'm glad you've come to your senses. `

But Taeyong hadn't come to his senses. He must have been out of his damn mind.

Taeyong's phone rang from across his desk, and he looked up from where he sat in his at-home office, finishing paperwork. It was a call from Jaehyun. Taeyong watched it ring before it faded into silence. It would be nothing more than another missed call to add to the list.

Their family barbecue was a yearly tradition that Taeyong had come empty handed to each and every time. It wasn't always because he didn't have a partner because some years he had, but it was because he simply didn't want to bring them. Sometimes it was because his partner hadn't been ready to meet his parents or extended family yet either, but Kun's reasoning had always been because he was busy. But Kun was back, Kun wasn't busy, and Taeyong held Kun's hand as the man helped him get out of the car.

He'd spent thirty minutes inside of it because he was too afraid to clamber out and face his family with Kun in his arms — _the wrong man_ in his arms. Taeyong only prayed that this year Jaehyun wouldn't be attending. Taeyong had brought Kun for show, and then he'd cut it off with Kun completely. He couldn't deal with his mother nagging him for another year, he couldn't sit at the adults table being the only one without some sort of partner.. and he couldn't deal with the looks he'd get if everyone were to find out that Taeyong was fucking his godson.

"Compose yourself, you look sick," Kun chided, and then he placed an arm on Taeyong's waist. It burned.

"Well, I _feel_ like I'm going to throw up," Taeyong said wearily. He could hear the laughter of his nieces and nephews further in the background, but even that wasn't enough to calm him down.

"We could get back in, and I'd take you to the hospital," Kun told him.

Taeyong blinked up at him. It was out of character for Kun to be so nice or to offer something like that without Taeyong insisting. He briefly wondered how their relationship would have been if Kun had been like that from the very beginning. Perhaps then Taeyong would have cried when he left him a year ago, or maybe he wouldn't have let Kun go at all. It didn't matter. And he couldn't envision it. One act of niceness wasn't going to change who Taeyong knew he was.

"Come." Kun's arm snaked around his waist fully. "Let's go meet the rest of your family."

With one last inhale to pull himself together, Taeyong let Kun guide him to the front open lawn. The sight was familiar — the few running little kids, the huddled up adolescents, and then his adult cousins, aunts, and uncles. Taeyong was an only child, and these Summer events were the only time the majority of his family could get together, but as he grew older, he found that he had begun to like them less and less. People were intrusive, snarky, passive aggressive. Their backhanded compliments always had a way of digging into his skin worse than if they were to come from simple strangers; no matter how much of a confidence boost he gave himself beforehand every time.

It wouldn't change for the fact that their _compliments_ always remained the same; _independent, self-sufficient, goal-orientated._ They sounded like compliments, but there was always a tone that they used which indicated to Taeyong that no, it was because he was too much of those things that he came to these events year after year _alone._

The first person who noticed him was Jisung, the little boy running up to him and wrapping a hand around his leg happily. But the first person Taeyong noticed was Ten, and if Ten was here, there was the possibility that he wasn't alone. His and Ten's family had always been close. That was why at fourteen when Jaehyun was born, Ten's mother playfully granted him the title of godfather. Taeyong wished she hadn't. Maybe then it would've eased some of the burden.

He looked away when he scooped Jisung into his arms, and usually that would be enough to calm his nerves, but not today. Not now. And if Jaehyun was here, Taeyong prayed to God that he understood his reasoning. But the reality of it was dawning on him now that Ten was approaching him from his peripheral vision. Taeyong hugged Jisung tighter and nodded at whoever called out to him in a semi-friendly manner. Kun was looking at Jisung with a grimace.

"Taeyong," Ten greeted him first, and then his eyes went over to Kun. "And I see you've brought Kun."

Taeyong had never been on the receiving end of a glare so harsh from Ten. That's when he knew — Jaehyun, who despite having promised to keep them a secret, had told Ten. Maybe even Johnny too. Of course he did. Taeyong could almost laugh at it being so painfully comical that he had ever thought otherwise — Jaehyun had come all the way to his workplace to hand him flowers. That, in and of itself, said enough.

"Ten. It's nice to see—" Kun started, but was cut off by Ten.

"Jaehyun's in the kitchen," Ten told him with icy eyes. He eyed the hand around Taeyong's waist, which now burned, before flickering up to Taeyong's face.

Taeyong pulled away at once. "I gotta go." Kun gave him a pinched look. "I-I'll be back."

Before Kun could protest and insist Taeyong introduce him to everybody hand in hand, arm in arm, Taeyong placed Jisung down, who pouted, and made his way through the lawn. He wrung his hands together, feeling anxiety claw at every fibre of his being. He skilfully dodged everyone who turned his way that looked to be ready to pull him into conversation because the only person on his mind was _Jaehyun, Jaehyun, Jaehyun._ But there had always been one person he couldn't avoid;

Doyoung.

"Taeyong!" a familiar voice called out to him as he walked past. Taeyong tried to ignore him, but Doyoung was too persistent, latching unto Taeyong's arms and almost yanking him back. Taeyong was then face to face with Doyoung and his husband, Taeil. Doyoung let go of him but spoke up before Taeyong could worm his way out. "I asked Ten today about what happened in the office. Weirdly enough, he said that he never received any flowers." Doyoung cocked his head. "They were for you, am I right? Jaehyun bought them for _you._ "

"What flowers?" Taeil asked, confused.

Doyoung had the audacity to cross his arms, and his smile was almost _smug._ "Oh, correct me if I'm wrong, but Taeyong here has been—"

"Taeyong!"

Taeyong stilled at the sound of that voice. They all did. He didn't dare turn around, but the sound of footsteps approaching was loud and clear. The next thing Taeyong felt was familiar, strong arms on his waist before they spun him around, and he was face to face with the loving eyes of Jaehyun. The sight of him took Taeyong's breath away and made his heart beat so fast that it threatened to rip right out of its cage.

"Jaehyun, I—"

Taeyong was about to offer him a million and one explanations, but Jaehyun interrupted him with a kiss. With lips so warm and so tender, Taeyong could only manage to melt underneath. Jaehyun held him up with sturdy hands, leaning into the kiss with zeal. Jaehyun always kissed him like this — like he was trying to spill his heart out in a way that was physical because he knew words were enough to scare Taeyong off. But he'd never kissed him like this in public.

It was a statement.

Taeyong felt his eyes prickle with tears as he kissed him back with equal passion because they were in their own bubble, but he knew what would happen when those lips came off and that bubble would pop.

Jaehyun pulled away, panting lightly. He placed his forehead against Taeyong's so that their faces were close and their eyes would meet. Taeyong placed a hand to Jaehyun's chest, feeling Jaehyun's heartbeat mirror his own. Jaehyun's eyes flicked to his lips and back up to Taeyong's stinging eyes as he spoke.

"I know what we agreed. I know what I said so that we'd make this work. But I don't want to hide you anymore, and I don't want you to treat me like some secret lover. Taeyong, I—"

"Taeyong?"

The voice belonged to Kun.

Whatever dream they were in had come crashing down, and Kun was now staring at him, open-mouthed. They all were; Kun, Doyoung, Taeil, and everybody else. Surprised, shocked, disgusted — Taeyong was too afraid to register them all. Ten was the only one whose expression was different, but Taeyong was too afraid to try and decipher what exactly it meant. His world was being pulled apart at the seams and he was right there to witness it first hand.

Jaehyun stopped himself from whatever he was about to say and inhaled deeply. He then turned, hands still locked around Taeyong's waist, and Taeyong watched with constricted breathing at the inevitable exchange that was about to take place.

Kun raised a brow. "Who are you?"

Jaehyun looked at Kun with hard eyes. "Taeyong's boyfriend."

Taeyong's world stilled on its axis.

Kun's eyes darted to him. "And I am Taeyong's fiancé, little boy, so you must be mistaken."

Taeyong felt the hand around his way falter before gripping back on him just as tight. Jaehyun was looking at him now, but Taeyong himself was looking ahead. He knew what Jaehyun's eyes were searching for, and he would find them. It felt like years had passed, as everyone around them was quiet — and Taeyong could understand it, it somewhat felt like a damning disgrace. But now that he'd felt that disgrace, he realised it had never mattered at all — not if Jaehyun's hands was still on his waist, and Jaehyun was still by his side.

And then suddenly, Jaehyun's hand fell. He had found what he was looking for. The lies.

Without another word, Jaehyun removed himself from the circle that had formed and walked away, Taeyong watching him through blurry eyes. He'd brought this upon himself, Taeyong knew. He only had himself to blame. Jaehyun's figure had gone in the quiet, and now, he was out of sight.

Taeyong felt the world underneath his feet crumble.

Sometimes, when they were together, it was Jaehyun doing the talking. It was Jaehyun that was the one smiling and teasing him for little tricks on his phone he didn't know, it was Jaehyun laughing at him for posing weirdly when they took selfies together, and it was Jaehyun the one talking throughout movies even when Taeyong insisted the commentary wasn't needed. In all of this, it all circled back to one thing; Jaehyun. Taeyong had always been subtly reserved because he was afraid of giving himself away fully — of becoming too invested and diving too deep.

So when he begged Ten for Jaehyun's location after two weeks with no calls and no texts, Ten had asked him, _"You don't even know his favourite place, do you?"_

And the answer had been no. Taeyong didn't know it because Jaehyun had been the one interested in all those tidbits of information that Taeyong occasionally told him, and Taeyong hadn't reciprocated as hard as he should've when he was so certain they weren't bound to last. And in the end, he was right. But he wasn't right by fate or destiny — it was him that had caused their relationship to end the way it did, not because it was _bound to._

They would have worked.

Maybe it was too late to realise it after how much he messed up that everyone else's opinions didn't matter — Kun, Doyoung's, or even his mother's. It only mattered that Jaehyun had appeared in his life, so bright, and so beautiful, and so ready to love him. It seemed like a far fetched miracle at the time, but it was _real._ And Jaehyun must have held him in his heart for so long, biding his time, that Taeyong couldn't possibly ever imagine how much it hurt to be treated so less than by someone you loved.

Taeyong couldn't have imagined it before because he had never felt anything like love for any of his exes before. But he could now. He now knew of the sharp pain Jaehyun must have felt encompass his being because it was the same pain Taeyong had felt when he searched for him frantically for two weeks, but to no avail.

But Jaehyun was exactly where Ten had said he would be — Han river.

Taeyong tried to approach him quietly, but if Jaehyun's sudden shift in composure as he sat by the riverside was anything to go by, then Jaehyun had noticed him coming from a mile away. Maybe Ten had called to give him a heads up, or maybe Jaehyun was tired of running away from him, because he didn't move a muscle when Taeyong sat beside him. He didn't even move away when Taeyong placed his hands atop his and _squeezed._

And that was as much reassurance as he could ever hope to receive.

They both watched the rivers ripple quietly over the setting sun. Jaehyun was the first to speak. "I'm going back."

Taeyong felt the wind get knocked out of him.

"What?"

"I said I'm going back." Jaehyun turned to him, frowning slightly at Taeyong's gaping expression. He turned back to face the river. "To America... not because of you. Not fully. The option to go back for a masters degree was always still there, but I've decided to take it. And maybe when I come back—"

"You'll be back?" The news of Jaehyun leaving was crushing, but the news of his return instilled a little sliver of hope inside him.

Jaehyun faced him and squeezed Taeyong's hand, smiling sadly. His chest ached. "Of course. I couldn't leave you here now, could I? And maybe when I come back again, I'll be old enough for you. That is, if you'll still want me."

Taeyong's eyes stung with unshed tears. It should have been the other way around. _He_ should have been the one asking if Jaehyun would take him back, and he should have been the one on his knees apologising and kissing him senseless. And yet, here was Jaehyun asking him if he'd still want him. If Jaehyun wasn't going to give up on him after what Taeyong had done, then he wouldn't give up so easily either. He'd found the one for him, and an ocean between them wouldn't stop him from waiting.

Taeyong let the ghost of a smile grace his lips as Jaehyun's thumb came up to caress his cheek. "What's two years anyways?"

Jaehyun smiled at him. It was beautiful. "You'll wait?"

"I'll wait."

They had sealed their promise with a kiss.

If there was anything Taeyong had learned about relationships, it was that they weren't easy. It was something he'd known before, two years ago even before he and Jaehyun had started what they had now, but he hadn't _known_ it. He hadn't experienced it first hand. The relationships he'd had before, to an extent, were easy, simply because he, nor who he was with, was that emotionally invested. It didn't feel like he couldn't go on if they'd break up — no. He had always picked himself up and tried again. To lose them, he could bounce back, but losing Jaehyun wasn’t something he could have ever come back from.

The second thing he'd learned was that relationships were challenging in every aspect. It was a mental challenge at first to bridge the mental and physical gap between him and Jaehyun in age, but that wasn't the last of it. He had to work to create time for someone else in his life, especially when they were so far apart and had so little time. He had to work to make sure that Jaehyun was just as reassured as he was — that Jaehyun knew he wasn't going to give up again. He didn’t deserve to.

And the third thing he learned was that relationships were tiring. The late night phone calls, the early morning skype videos before work, and the thought that he was jumping into the deep end by giving up his heart so soon to someone who couldn't be there to hold it was enough to wear anyone out. Taeyong was of no exception.

But with all these lessons came a solitary conclusion; it was worth it.

Being with Jaehyun was worth it. And Taeyong knew that now.

Jaehyun who came home to him with that bright, beautiful smile and warm, familiar arms, Jaehyun who had grown to stand on his own two feet in the two years that had passed, Jaehyun whose lips were so warm and inviting, Jaehyun who set his world alight on the darkest days, and the Jaehyun who simply made him _smile._ That Jaehyun. _That_ Jaehyun was worth it.

Taeyong interlocked their fingers, eyes focused on Jaehyun who seemed surreal in his physical, present form, while the rest of the people in the airport blurred by. Jaehyun had come home to him, and for that, he would be eternally grateful.

"Now," Jaehyun told him, moon-like dimples adorning his cheeks as he smiled. "Let's try this again."

**Author's Note:**

> i can’t even explain what this is, but i hope you enjoyed <3 i might even end up rewriting this honestly.  
> [twt](https://mobile.twitter.com/starhoneyy)  
> [cc activities!](https://curiouscat.qa/starhoneyyy)


End file.
